just thoughts, you know

bombs. bombs. bombs. so much terror now that it has touched all of us. it reaches right into our lives, and takes things.

feels like every week i am writing to someone somewhere to say... "hey, are you okay? i heard there was an explosion, i heard there might be more, are you okay? is everyone okay?" and i send off those emails now like any other, like a 'happy birthday', or 'loved your holiday pictures,' or 'i saw the funniest thing today...'

it's been there so long now that i can't remember when it was all new. when the terror first took hold. first on the outside, and then on the inside. before i started becoming numb.

staring into space today, i thought of a random piece i wrote in 2002 when i was just beginning to realize that i was affected. strange to read it now. i remember that day so clearly.

Just Thoughts, You Know

I got up just after you today, around 9.3O. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t help visualizing myself being strangled, you pinned down, forced to watch. In the end I crawled out of the blankets and stood in cold shower water and counted to 10 before making it hot.

Then I finished the coco pops, sorry. We’ll buy a bigger box next time.

Then I opened the curtains and read the paper, 180 dead in Bali, Saddam will use chemical weapons, sniper will kill again and watched people run from the rain.

I decided to join them. I needed a workout.

The gym was almost empty, which was perfect because the music seemed louder and I got the treadmill I like with a view onto Broadway and 38th street spontaneous scene creation in my mind: a man stops on Broadway, faces me, lobs a Molotov Cocktail straight at my window. I run, dodging rowing machines, rugby-dive forward propelled by apocalyptic boom, propelled by crumbling ceiling, flames licking my shoes, I don’t hear fire engines, people on the street yelling “jump! jump” jump and be paralyzed, wait and burn, “jump! jump!” inhuman screams from the inferno, spot flagpole intact perpendicular to gym wall, lunge for chain, chain is not tied, scream, falling fast, scream… and 40 minutes went by fast.

Then I went to Macy’s. God I hate that place. I came to get a Sheseido powder refill and left with 37 perfumed strips in my pocket. I also bought some deodorant because I know you hate it when I use yours. Well, you don’t hate it, it’s just that I always drop it and crack the lid. I did it again this morning to your new one, but don’t get angry because you’ve broken every mug I’ve ever bought. Anyway, now I have my own, it’s Eternity and you can use it whenever you want.

So it was 4 o’clock by then and I wanted to get home around the same time as you, so I ran through the rain and squeezed into the train doors. I looked around for a seat and saw one beside two middle-eastern guys a few feet to my right. One looked like you, just like you actually, but with a thick beard I had trouble persuading myself it was safe to sit down and, you would have laughed at me, I started imagining I had 30 seconds left to live, do you know I am afraid to shower when you aren’t home? I leave the door and curtain open, I watch the beads to see if they rattle and when the doors opened on 57th street I saw people talking to their dogs and buying gum and I felt like I’d been given another chance.

So I went to the supermarket… I thought I’d make lasagna for the first time. I’ll make it with eggplant, zucchini, but first I wanted coffee sleeping is hard, every night my dreams wait for me so they can crawl inside my head. Sometimes there’s murder, always there’s the possibility of it... and I’ll also use beef, we still have some in the freezer, lately my dreams don’t care if I’m asleep or awake and they take over my mind in the same way. No matter how many I shake off, there’s always another, there’s always more. And I thought I should try cooking with wine, like that Bourdeau you’re always drizzling over our chicken. So I went to the liquor store on 57th and got some red.

Anyway, I had a good day. And I know what you think… the subway thing was stupid. I know it’s stupid, I knew even then. But they were just thoughts, you know. Everyone has them.

Hey forget about it. Come here, give me a kiss. I died four times today.