first night alone

brushing my teeth I sensed something different inside me. i traced it back to when I got out of the car about an hour before and watched the gate and garage door roll shut behind me.

i was nervous already then, edgy. yes, I could trace this feeling back to arriving home, and wanting to be sure I was safe there.

i had walked into the house, like I do every day. started turning off the lights. Mish wouldn't be home tonight. i had just dropped him and a friend off on Chapel street. they were going clubbing, and then to a friend’s house.

i headed upstairs. closed the door to mum and dad’s room. they'd left for Cambodia last night.

walking to my room I kept peering down the stairs. were those sounds coming from my own feet brushing against the floor, or is there someone else? i looked over my shoulder several times. empty space.

in my room I launched itunes. i launched firefox. quick check of news, of stocks, my blog, sas’ blog, fabio’s blog. i’m nervous. why? i feel my eyes closing. i feel exhausted. tomorrow I have an early start. i should sleep. i let my lids fall.

i open them again. first, i have to call Nepal. I want my friend Summer Bahadur Lama to paint a Thangka for Krivitsky. it’s Krivitsky’s birthday next week, and a great turning point in my spiritual journey has his fingerprints on it. it would be nice for the karma to come full circle via Summer.

i decide to brush my teeth before I call. that was 10 minutes ago. while brushing my teeth, I realized.

i am alone.

i have not been alone in an apartment at night since August when erez left to go to Israel. i joined him a week later, and there started three months of never-aloneness. after that, if I wasn’t with erez I was with dejana and tin. or i was with buddhist monks. or with the hospital staff. or with my parents. or with my brother.

tonight, everyone is away. most are far away.

i am alone. this is me. back to that me. the alone I chose a month ago arrived tonight.

the me I cherished and protected and was proud of for so many years. alone me. me who likes to be alone. me who loves my own place, my own space, my own quiet, my own anonymity. alone me.

i wash my face slowly, listening to the water fall. listening to the sound of my skin against my skin in my ears. i look in the mirror. this is me. alone arrived.

and this is how it will be. and i know this. and i choose this.

i am here.

it’s okay.